Xmas message from ''the BBC'' - Bike Magic

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Xmas message from ”the BBC”

Since I started contributing to the forum on BIKEmagic, I’ve been
overwhelmed by the spontaneous love, affection and virtual stroking
lavished on me by my fellow mountain bikers. Okay, I’ve scratched a
few of yer, but I’m a cat, right, and that’s the score with us

But now it’s almost the time of year when Brian’s beard starts
turning white and in the interests of feline superiority and in the
spirit of showing you all just how dumb humans really are, I’m going
to share my moggy mountain biking secrets with the lot of ya. But
before I begin, i f you remember one thing, make it this:

‘A moggy is for Christmas,
not for life.’

We’re impulsive little blighters and might not be around for the
next one, so take a leaf from Brian’s beard and sieze this
opportunity to spoil your cat rotten this Christmas. Buy him or her a
mountain bike all of its own. Your cat’s happiness will be your
reward, that and an endless supply of Ferrero Rodent left at the
kitchen door and perhaps the odd bite of a much treasured

But without fuerther ado, here are my Festive Mountain Biking

The most effective way of locating in SPD
pedals is to jump, straight legged from a high wall or
fence. With practice you will clip in first time, every
time. Remember to clip in with your rear paws as the reverse
will leave you riding the bike upside down, a challenge even
for a cat.

Kitty build quality is unsurpassed.
Whereas the basic componentry used in dogs is sourced from
low spec animals such as sheep and wombats, even humble
domestic cats – and when was the last time you saw a
domestic cat being humble? – are scaled-down versions of
high performance big cats such as cheetahs and use the same
high spec bearings and chassis materials. The bearings are
sealed for life. Please take note that what looks like a
grease port at the rear of your cat, is in fact a bleed
nipple outlet system. On no account attempt to lubricate a
cat using this port.

The use of a mountain bike enables urban
cats to expand their territory considerably. With practice,
terrritorial spraying from the pedal is possible. This can
only be a good thing.

Don’t chase the tinsel brothers, it
tastes horrid. Stick to sardines and mouses.

Finally, I have a dream – one day each
and every cat will have his or her own kitty-specific
mountain bike. Only then will feline equality have been won
and we will no longer be a down-trodden minority, brothers
and sisters, get out your claws and fight for Pussy

And with those thoughts I leave you to enjoy your sad little cans
of manfood with brandy butter. See you in the New Year.

With feline love

Brian Blessed’s Cat


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