A spokesman for MAFF – the Ministry of Athlete’s Feet and Fetid
things – confirmed that tests on socks collected from a gym near
Woking have confirmed the presence of the deadly fungal infection in
the Surrey area. Within hours reports of further incidents were
flooding in from all over the UK and Milton Keynes.

Athlete’s Foot Minister Dick Brown has announced savage measures
to contain the outbreak. All socks within ten miles of infected gyms
and changing rooms must be burned. Initially the measure applies only
to sports socks, but such is the speed of movement of the contagion
that other socks including those funny checked golfing ones may also
be infected.

Mountain bikers, walkers and climbers who haven’t showered within the
past week are particularly vulnerable say MAFF and should take
immediate steps to destroy socks which may be infected. MAFF
officials are roaming the country painting black crosses on the doors
of potential infection sites and student houses. If you look outside
and see a black cross on your door, this is what you should do:

* burn any socks and tights in the house, remember to remove
them from your feet first

* proceed to the official MAFF sock
replacement online resource and order fresh socks

* before donning the fresh sock, soak your feet in a mixture
made up of two parts Tabasco sauce to one part household disinfectant
for two hours

What’s Next

Already gyms, swimming pools and dodgy massage parlours are being
closed to the public and cordoned off. If these and the above
measures fail to contain the disease, the next step will be a
wholesale cull of student houses and their contents, including
students. Watch this site for further information.