What do you do after a couple of hours on a fat tyre funster? Go and hang out in a tea room and replace that burnt energy with some much needed cake.

I’ve only started riding off-road recently, though, and I’ve realised I’m getting funny looks. Do I look like a roadie who has just borrowed her mate’s uber bike and falls off riding up hill?

Ok, most of that sentence is true – but I don’t want people shooting me glances and whispering about it…

Anyway, after a few weeks riding on the trails, here’s my guide to looking like a roadie and sticking out like a sore thumb.

1. Get rid of your helmet peak

Shielding the sun, rain, mud and leaves from your delicate eyes is playing it too safe. Go crazy and risk riding down a trail with one eye shut stinging from dirt that flicked into it.

2. White socks

Slap on a pair of gleaming white socks. You’re only going to cycle through mud and dirt, maybe a murky puddle or two. Why not stain them up real good, so they go grey and look like something your grandad wears.

3. Aero

Saving milliseconds is key to your weekend trail ride! After all, those fat tyres and uneven trails are going to slow you down a treat. Slap on a figure hugging jersey, designed to only be comfortable in an aero tuck.

4. Go bag less

Why ever would I carry a rucksack? Shock pump, inner tubes, chain tool, water bladder, a slice of cake, wallet, keys, phone and mini pump? Surely that can all be stuffed into your jersey pockets to bounce precariously up and down your back as you fly down a bit of singletrack.

5. Arm warmers

Roadies love an arm warmer, especially in the spring and autumn. You’ll have to keep stopping to pull them back up, which will get quite frustrating, and your friends will probably leave you. But hey, your arms will be warm.