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Kona fairy story

Hi Scoop
You wanted a Canadian fairy story. Well here it is. Don’t say I didn’t
warn
you !

(The bikes mentioned are: Explosif, Unit, Blast, Scab, King Kikapu,
Bear,
Stinky
and Stab )

Once upon a time in Canada, there was a mining community based around
Vancouver.
Due to being sacked for riding his bike on the site, one of
Miners
was
blockading the gates by chaining himself to it. He shouted
obscenities at
all
the workers as they filed by at the other gate. “Scab,
black-leg,
Rocky
Mountain” he would taunt them with.

Rodney King had been chained up for three weeks solid, eating and
sleeping
at
the entrance to the Mine, he was getting rather stinky as he had not
changed
his
clothes or washed in that time. He had talked of a dirty protest,
though so
far
his long term constipation had been more of a problem.

The mine owners had decided to bring in the Canadian Special Forces to
deal
with
the troublesome cyclist. This crack Unit had dealt with this sort of
situation
before and today was the day for them to have a stab at removing Rodney
from
the
gate.
With all the plans made, the four man assault team took up position in
the
trees
near Rodney, waiting for the signal to go. Rodney however was not
feeling
too
well. His guts ached and he looked decidedly unwell. He needed
the
toilet
badly. As he fumbled for his keys to unlock himself they fell out of
his
pocket
and out of reach. He took a quick look round, saw none of the
camouflaged
soldiers and reluctantly beared his behind. The soldiers looked on in
fear
as
Rodney let go a big load with a blast of explosif force. The soldiers
stayed
in
position even though they should have made a move by then. They
were
all
laughing too much.

The Sergeant’s radio crackled into life. It was the scene commander.

“Is the target secure, What is the sit. rep. ?”
“Target at large sir” said the Sergeant laughing”
“No time for frivolity Sergeant, what is the situation report”
“Sorry sir Kings kicked his poo!”
Suffice to say they all lived happily ever after ? when the mess was
cleared
up.

The end (of a glittering literary career ?)

I did warn you !
Chris Keller – Jackson
Long term BikeMagic surfer
(Name and address withheld to protect the innocent !)
Bye


AND

Title:
I clearly have too much time on my hands……or “entry to Kona comp” if you’d prefer. 🙂

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Widdopia, high in the Canadian
Rockies,
there lived a young prince by the name of Eric. His father was the great
King Kikapu, the finest and wisest ruler the kingdom had known in a
thousand
years.

The king was loved by his people and the prince, as his heir and
successor was revered across the land for his bravery and courage. For
this
reason, Eric was known to the devoted citizens as Prince Eric the Bear.

One dark stormy night flames were seen on a mountainside high above the
city
of Gorple, capital of Widdopia. Rumours spread that a dragon had entered
the
kingdom. If left unchallenged a dragon could run amok and cause untold
havoc, so King Kikapu decided that something must be done. Eric was the
only
man with the courage to lead the dragonhunt so the king called for his
son
who arrived in a moment. After consulting with the king, he set off to
collect his most prized possession. More than anything else in the
world,
Eric loved his dragonslaying lance. This lance, Explosif, was so
valuable
and powerful that it was kept in a locked chamber deep in the heart of
the
strongest part of the castle. As everyone knows the ability to slay a
marauding dragon was a essential to a kingdom’s survival and though a
meek
and modest man, King Kikapu would freely acknowledge that in his son
Eric,
armed with the mighty Explosif and accompanied by a specially selected
elite Unit of the Royal Guard was among the finest dragonslayers that
history had known.

It was such a mighty sight to see Eric lead his unit of dragonslayers
out of
the city gates. Eric, Explosif held aloft, rode at the head of the
procession on his mount, Egypt. Egypt was a Pegasus, with wings nine
feet in
length, a soot black coat and a platinum mane, the sign of an even, true
temper in that proud breed. As the king watched the torches of the
procession shrink into the distance and climb up the mountain he was
fearful
for his son. Each time he saw a flicker of blue flame he feared for his
kingdom, but he knew that if anyone was to defeat the dragon, it would
be
Eric.

High on the ridge Eric and his elite unit sought out signs of the mighty
dragon. After hours of wandering and just as dawn was breaking Eric saw
a
dark bump in the distance. In a single flap of his mighty wings, Egypt
had
delivered Eric to the side of this strange lump. “Scorched caribou
carcass,
still warm”, Eric called back to the dragonslayer unit. At once they
knew
they were dealing with a dragon and that the dragon was nearby. Just how
close they were to the dragon they didn’t realise until a mighty Blast
of
blue flame licked across the sky, narrowly missing the king’s men. The
sheet
of flame had startled the unit and not only was the heat immense, the
dragon’s breath was rather Stinky. Nine men were overcome with the fumes
and
with a second puff they were consumed by the dragon’s flames. Eric
realised
he must do something and reached for Explosif, holding it aloft. Egypt
knew
what this meant; he still had a strange Scab on his flank that had never
healed from their last encounter with a dragon fifteen years ago. He
reared
up on his hind legs and with a flap of his powerful wings he launched
into
the air, Eric on his back. A third blast of flame licked across the sky
from
the dragon’s mouth as Egypt flew at the beast’s vast flanks.

Eric tried
in
vain to Stab the dragon with his lance but they couldn’t get close
enough to
the beast. It was going to take all Egypt’s flying skills to bring Eric
past
the dragon’s flailing tail and scotching breath. They made pass after
pass
at the beast but still Eric couldn’t get within striking distance of the
dragon’s heart. Egypt was starting to tire and the troops of the elite
unit’e efforts to draw fire from the dragon were failing, dozens being
consumed in each firey blast.
Eric was not slow to realise that Widdopia had never before been in more
peril. The longer he fought the dragon, the weaker he got and the
stronger
his foe became. He knew he had to slay the dragon swiftly and that time
was
short. He thought of the high moors and rich meadows he was defending,
of
paths snaking through the woods near the castle and the azure sea
licking
the silver strands far away. Suddenly he felt stronger and braver than
ever
before. Explosif went light in his hand and started to shudder, it’s
point
throbbing and glowing against the dark sky. The dragon froze mid-swipe
and
stared at the lance.

Eric felt his inner steel flowing into Explosif but at the same time the
lance was sliding though his fingers, his grip failing him until with a
loud
kaboom the lance launched itself high into the air. Eric and the dragon
stood transfixed by Explosif, gazing unflinchingly at the steeled weapon
as
it’s rise slowed and it hovered high above them. In a split second the
lance
plunged from the sky, cleaving the dragon’s skull in two and embedding
itself into the beast’s green glowing heart. The dragon let out a
mighty
yelp and faded away, leaving Explosif imbedded in a deep green
shimmering
rock. Egypt strode forward and Eric dismounted to collect his lance. He
put
a foot on the boulder and pulled out his lance. A bright flash cleaved
the
sky and Egypt reared up onto his hind legs as if hit by a stab of agony.
When the pegasus calmed, Eric saw that the scab on Egypt’s flank had
healed
and his platinum mane had grown brighter than ever before. Eric’s heart
steeled at this sight and somehow he knew that dragons had been driven
from
Widdopia forever. He mounted Egypt and flew back to Gorple, Explosif
held
aloft while the remains of the king’s crack Unit straggled along behind,
manhanding the strange green rock back to the city.

The brave soldiers recieved a rapturous welcome. The kingdom was safe,
and
Eric the Bear’s place in history was assured. Widdopia prospered long
after
the death of King Kikapu and Eric’s reign was a long and successful one.
Dragons never again troubled the land and the people lived in peace and
prosperity for ever more.

It just goes to show, if there’s steel in your heart and your Explosif,
your
reign will be long and prosperous.

Oh, and if you were wondering what happened to the strange green rock,
Charlie Dimmock flew Air Canada from Manchester to Toronto and turned it
into a a nice water feature in the royal gardens.

Stuart Nicholson

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