You wanted a Canadian fairy story. Well here it is. Don’t say I didn’t
(The bikes mentioned are: Explosif, Unit, Blast, Scab, King Kikapu,
and Stab )
Once upon a time in Canada, there was a mining community based around
Due to being sacked for riding his bike on the site, one of
blockading the gates by chaining himself to it. He shouted
the workers as they filed by at the other gate. “Scab,
Mountain” he would taunt them with.
Rodney King had been chained up for three weeks solid, eating and
the entrance to the Mine, he was getting rather stinky as he had not
clothes or washed in that time. He had talked of a dirty protest,
his long term constipation had been more of a problem.
The mine owners had decided to bring in the Canadian Special Forces to
the troublesome cyclist. This crack Unit had dealt with this sort of
before and today was the day for them to have a stab at removing Rodney
With all the plans made, the four man assault team took up position in
near Rodney, waiting for the signal to go. Rodney however was not
well. His guts ached and he looked decidedly unwell. He needed
badly. As he fumbled for his keys to unlock himself they fell out of
and out of reach. He took a quick look round, saw none of the
soldiers and reluctantly beared his behind. The soldiers looked on in
Rodney let go a big load with a blast of explosif force. The soldiers
position even though they should have made a move by then. They
laughing too much.
The Sergeant’s radio crackled into life. It was the scene commander.
“Is the target secure, What is the sit. rep. ?”
“Target at large sir” said the Sergeant laughing”
“No time for frivolity Sergeant, what is the situation report”
“Sorry sir Kings kicked his poo!”
Suffice to say they all lived happily ever after ? when the mess was
The end (of a glittering literary career ?)
I did warn you !
Chris Keller – Jackson
Long term BikeMagic surfer
(Name and address withheld to protect the innocent !)
I clearly have too much time on my hands……or “entry to Kona comp” if you’d prefer. 🙂
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Widdopia, high in the Canadian
there lived a young prince by the name of Eric. His father was the great
King Kikapu, the finest and wisest ruler the kingdom had known in a
The king was loved by his people and the prince, as his heir and
successor was revered across the land for his bravery and courage. For
reason, Eric was known to the devoted citizens as Prince Eric the Bear.
One dark stormy night flames were seen on a mountainside high above the
of Gorple, capital of Widdopia. Rumours spread that a dragon had entered
kingdom. If left unchallenged a dragon could run amok and cause untold
havoc, so King Kikapu decided that something must be done. Eric was the
man with the courage to lead the dragonhunt so the king called for his
who arrived in a moment. After consulting with the king, he set off to
collect his most prized possession. More than anything else in the
Eric loved his dragonslaying lance. This lance, Explosif, was so
and powerful that it was kept in a locked chamber deep in the heart of
strongest part of the castle. As everyone knows the ability to slay a
marauding dragon was a essential to a kingdom’s survival and though a
and modest man, King Kikapu would freely acknowledge that in his son
armed with the mighty Explosif and accompanied by a specially selected
elite Unit of the Royal Guard was among the finest dragonslayers that
history had known.
It was such a mighty sight to see Eric lead his unit of dragonslayers
the city gates. Eric, Explosif held aloft, rode at the head of the
procession on his mount, Egypt. Egypt was a Pegasus, with wings nine
length, a soot black coat and a platinum mane, the sign of an even, true
temper in that proud breed. As the king watched the torches of the
procession shrink into the distance and climb up the mountain he was
for his son. Each time he saw a flicker of blue flame he feared for his
kingdom, but he knew that if anyone was to defeat the dragon, it would
High on the ridge Eric and his elite unit sought out signs of the mighty
dragon. After hours of wandering and just as dawn was breaking Eric saw
dark bump in the distance. In a single flap of his mighty wings, Egypt
delivered Eric to the side of this strange lump. “Scorched caribou
still warm”, Eric called back to the dragonslayer unit. At once they
they were dealing with a dragon and that the dragon was nearby. Just how
close they were to the dragon they didn’t realise until a mighty Blast
blue flame licked across the sky, narrowly missing the king’s men. The
of flame had startled the unit and not only was the heat immense, the
dragon’s breath was rather Stinky. Nine men were overcome with the fumes
with a second puff they were consumed by the dragon’s flames. Eric
he must do something and reached for Explosif, holding it aloft. Egypt
what this meant; he still had a strange Scab on his flank that had never
healed from their last encounter with a dragon fifteen years ago. He
up on his hind legs and with a flap of his powerful wings he launched
the air, Eric on his back. A third blast of flame licked across the sky
the dragon’s mouth as Egypt flew at the beast’s vast flanks.
vain to Stab the dragon with his lance but they couldn’t get close
the beast. It was going to take all Egypt’s flying skills to bring Eric
the dragon’s flailing tail and scotching breath. They made pass after
at the beast but still Eric couldn’t get within striking distance of the
dragon’s heart. Egypt was starting to tire and the troops of the elite
unit’e efforts to draw fire from the dragon were failing, dozens being
consumed in each firey blast.
Eric was not slow to realise that Widdopia had never before been in more
peril. The longer he fought the dragon, the weaker he got and the
his foe became. He knew he had to slay the dragon swiftly and that time
short. He thought of the high moors and rich meadows he was defending,
paths snaking through the woods near the castle and the azure sea
the silver strands far away. Suddenly he felt stronger and braver than
before. Explosif went light in his hand and started to shudder, it’s
throbbing and glowing against the dark sky. The dragon froze mid-swipe
stared at the lance.
Eric felt his inner steel flowing into Explosif but at the same time the
lance was sliding though his fingers, his grip failing him until with a
kaboom the lance launched itself high into the air. Eric and the dragon
stood transfixed by Explosif, gazing unflinchingly at the steeled weapon
it’s rise slowed and it hovered high above them. In a split second the
plunged from the sky, cleaving the dragon’s skull in two and embedding
itself into the beast’s green glowing heart. The dragon let out a
yelp and faded away, leaving Explosif imbedded in a deep green
rock. Egypt strode forward and Eric dismounted to collect his lance. He
a foot on the boulder and pulled out his lance. A bright flash cleaved
sky and Egypt reared up onto his hind legs as if hit by a stab of agony.
When the pegasus calmed, Eric saw that the scab on Egypt’s flank had
and his platinum mane had grown brighter than ever before. Eric’s heart
steeled at this sight and somehow he knew that dragons had been driven
Widdopia forever. He mounted Egypt and flew back to Gorple, Explosif
aloft while the remains of the king’s crack Unit straggled along behind,
manhanding the strange green rock back to the city.
The brave soldiers recieved a rapturous welcome. The kingdom was safe,
Eric the Bear’s place in history was assured. Widdopia prospered long
the death of King Kikapu and Eric’s reign was a long and successful one.
Dragons never again troubled the land and the people lived in peace and
prosperity for ever more.
It just goes to show, if there’s steel in your heart and your Explosif,
reign will be long and prosperous.
Oh, and if you were wondering what happened to the strange green rock,
Charlie Dimmock flew Air Canada from Manchester to Toronto and turned it
into a a nice water feature in the royal gardens.