Since I started contributing to the forum on BIKEmagic, I've been overwhelmed by the spontaneous love, affection and virtual stroking lavished on me by my fellow mountain bikers. Okay, I've scratched a few of yer, but I'm a cat, right, and that's the score with us moggies.

But now it's almost the time of year when Brian's beard starts turning white and in the interests of feline superiority and in the spirit of showing you all just how dumb humans really are, I'm going to share my moggy mountain biking secrets with the lot of ya. But before I begin, i f you remember one thing, make it this:

'A moggy is for Christmas, not for life.'

We're impulsive little blighters and might not be around for the next one, so take a leaf from Brian's beard and sieze this opportunity to spoil your cat rotten this Christmas. Buy him or her a mountain bike all of its own. Your cat's happiness will be your reward, that and an endless supply of Ferrero Rodent left at the kitchen door and perhaps the odd bite of a much treasured sardine.

But without fuerther ado, here are my Festive Mountain Biking Tips:

The most effective way of locating in SPD pedals is to jump, straight legged from a high wall or fence. With practice you will clip in first time, every time. Remember to clip in with your rear paws as the reverse will leave you riding the bike upside down, a challenge even for a cat.

Kitty build quality is unsurpassed. Whereas the basic componentry used in dogs is sourced from low spec animals such as sheep and wombats, even humble domestic cats - and when was the last time you saw a domestic cat being humble? - are scaled-down versions of high performance big cats such as cheetahs and use the same high spec bearings and chassis materials. The bearings are sealed for life. Please take note that what looks like a grease port at the rear of your cat, is in fact a bleed nipple outlet system. On no account attempt to lubricate a cat using this port.

The use of a mountain bike enables urban cats to expand their territory considerably. With practice, terrritorial spraying from the pedal is possible. This can only be a good thing.

Don't chase the tinsel brothers, it tastes horrid. Stick to sardines and mouses. Yum...

Finally, I have a dream - one day each and every cat will have his or her own kitty-specific mountain bike. Only then will feline equality have been won and we will no longer be a down-trodden minority, brothers and sisters, get out your claws and fight for Pussy Power.

And with those thoughts I leave you to enjoy your sad little cans of manfood with brandy butter. See you in the New Year.

With feline love

Brian Blessed's Cat